i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My liver just had a heart attack.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
