Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
