I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
