i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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