This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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