well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
