she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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