Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
