in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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