You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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