I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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