guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
