Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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