you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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