My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
