if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
