So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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