I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
