this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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