I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
