she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
