i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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