Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
