I faked an abortion last night.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
