umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
