I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
