Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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