You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
