in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize