did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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