Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
