I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
