My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
