Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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