Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
