He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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