I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
then he tried to convert me to islam
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I want her autograph on my taint
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
