Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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