i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
