I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
