Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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