the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
