ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
