Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
