You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
