I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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