He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
