Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Mom said you looked used
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My vagina just clenched in fear
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
