I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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