is your mom at the bar?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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