We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
