also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
