I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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