I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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