I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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