Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
