I heard we made out
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
