You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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